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In the Wake of Suicide, A Mothers Story

In the Wake of Suicide, A Mothers Story

October 25, 2017

Quinnton Radley Tom was born on November 18, 1986 and died by suicide on October 2, 2015. He was 28 years of age at the time of his death. His mother Sandra McArthur knows the heart-wrenching grief of losing a son to suicide all too well. Sandra shared her story with us to spread awareness. Her wish is to create a safe space to talk about suicide, with no detriment to safety. Here is her story. 

 Like a clanging bell the words rang through my ears; ’Mom, Quinnton is gone. Mom he died by suicide, died by his own hands.’ 

Quinnton left behind friends and family that love him, he also left behind four children; two daughters, and two sons. Brianna the eldest lives in Nadleh, Colton lives in Rocky Mountain House, Quinnton Jr and Azariah live in Burns Lake.

We were never taught about death and dying or the tumultuous relationship we will have with grief. When I attempt to speak about my son and his suicide, some people are uncomfortable and walk away. Or if they saw me coming they would avoid me, because it is such an uncomfortable topic to talk about. In the beginning, whenever I spoke about it, I would get ‘shh its okay’, ‘shh just pray’ or the subject would be changed instantly. It wasn’t okay, and praying didn’t take all the pain away, praying just occupied my mind for a few short minutes.

I sought counselling and to my frustration the agency spoke about other topics not relevant to my process. I continue to seek out a process to assist me with my grief. Online support groups that I managed to find are on social media or in the USA; some speak about amazing work to bring awareness such as The Candle in the Window Campaign, Walk Out of the Darkness, etc..  In mid-September 2017, I was out looking for resources at public venues, I couldn’t find the prevention and awareness topics I was looking for. I looked on the internet for telephone numbers and wondered what do the people do if they don’t have access to the internet, and need support during a crisis situation?

The very last family photo, taken in June 2015 a few months before Quinnton's death. Far left with tattoos; Quinnton (second born son), Uland (baby boy), Sandra (mom), Jacob (eldest son).

 

I realize there are amazing campaigns to support a variety of amazing causes. I wanted to do something with meaning and Quinnton’s anniversary of his sunset is October 2. I couldn’t find any Yellow ribbons, so I started making them and since have shared awareness ribbons with my two remaining sons, their father, stepmother and their siblings. My Siblings, Friends, Family and complete strangers all stepped up to the plate and as fast as I could make the ribbons, more were being requested. My first mail out was on September 29th, each containing between one and forty ribbons. I was in Vancouver the first week of October 2017, and brought Suicide Awareness ribbons with me, in the event I may be able to hand them out.

Because of the trip to Vancouver, where I met some amazing people, I see complete strangers wearing the ribbons, and a smile crosses my face. I quietly say “because of you Quinnton, that person is wearing an awareness ribbon”. 1800 Ribbons have been shared with organizations in Alberta, Binche, Ft St James, Palling, Burns Lake, Prince George, Nanaimo, Port Hardy, Vancouver, Ottawa all with the sought-out respective provincial crisis line numbers. An additional 1360 have since been completed and shipments will be sent to Saskatchewan, Alberta, Vancouver, Moricetown, Gitsegulka, Burns Lake, Nadleh and even to the United States and Ireland.

People asking for ribbons and handing them out is all that I ask for. The shipping and the products to make the ribbons are covered. The products are hand made in BC and are personally supported by my husband Dan and I. My parents Ernie and Catherine of Fort St James prepare the ribbons and supplies when they are able to. 

I wouldn’t push the yellow ribbons on anyone. If people are open to one, they can have one, or they can receive as many as they would like. Along with the ribbons, a memorial card is supplied on one side, and the telephone numbers of the National and Provincial Helplines on the other. The response I have received from complete strangers was shocking. I’ve heard people are wanting to talk about suicide, people are wanting to help, people want awareness. As one gentleman said, “we all know of someone who died by the act of suicide”

Ribbons in the process of being made

 

I certainly am not looking for pity, or any type of notoriety, I am looking for a safe place for us to share and talk about suicide, with no detriment to our spiritual and physical safety. I have received positive and negative feedback. The feedback that stands out for me the most are, "Sandra I am able to grieve for my child who died many years ago; you are bringing words to my thoughts." Another comment was, "You are brave to talk about it, please don't stop."

September is National Suicide Awareness Month. I had someone point out that suicide awareness month is now over. Suicide awareness is not just for September, for those who have had loved ones die in this manner, suicide awareness is every minute, of every day, for all of eternity.

If we avoid discussions about suicide, it will always be the topic that people will be afraid to speak of. Knowing that this grief is a debilitating grief; if we can assist one person by bringing awareness and contact information to them, will we know that we are not alone.

Every small piece written helps me process my grief. If I don’t speak of the heart wrenching suicide of my child - I don't know how I would survive his death. To share my experience in a raw, matter of fact tone, to speak openly about the heart break, the devastation that suicide has left in its wake, brings me my truth, and allows me the validation I need. No matter what we do, suicide is personal choice at a horrifically low point in a persons’ life.  As I write about my journey, what is public, is there to read without judgement. In a nutshell, it tells of my journey and my tumultuous relationship with grief over the last 2 years.

There is no deadline on awareness, if you would like a Yellow Suicide Awareness ribbon(s), feel free to contact me via email at awetza@gmail.com, or on Facebook under Sandra McArthur or In Loving Memory: Quinnton Radley Tom November 18, 1986 – October 2, 2015.

One child lost to suicide, is one too many.

With appreciation to the reader, and humility always:

Sandra

 

We thank Sandra from the bottom of our hearts for sharing her story, and for her tireless work to bring awareness about suicide, and for creating a safe space for discussion, for those in need.

Mussi cho, snachalya Sandra ❤️



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Last modified: Friday 12-Jun-20 15:43:45 PDT